HAHA.

2011-07-03T21:54:00.002+08:00

Just another dilemma.

as a girl, i guess i don't ask for too much. i just need certainty.

these days i don't feel as happy as i used to. as happy as you used to make me feel.

too much a time, i place myself in your shoes - i think about what you might be feeling when you do a certain thing. i think about why you do what you do, or say what you say. i know, sometimes whatever i envisioned are merely assumptions, but there have been many instances that my assumptions were actually true.

all i really want is to have you by my side every single day - figuratively. and i want you to want the same. after all that we've been through, i know, perhaps we should be stronger. perhaps i should be more resilient...or maybe more adapting. but point is, i HAVE been adapting. i've ALWAYS been adapting.

i'm tired. i'm tired of thinking about how sad i am. i just can't be happy having gone through everything, and i just can't wait to get away. i feel so sad and i just wanna cry on your shoulder but i don't know if that shoulder will always be there.

and no matter how hard i try, i know whatever i do or say can't change things. why is it so hard to let go? i don't even want to let go even though i feel this way, and i have every right in the world to leave you right now. but i can't. why? :'(

i know the answer. i do. but i can't say it.

after our conversation just now, and also probably months ago, i just feel like whatever i had has been taken away. the 'love' i once had perished.

the first time, i felt such strong certainty cause you said i love you after you felt how much i was there for you. and i thought that was deep cause i was there for you at your lowest. and the second time you said it, i don't know why you said it..probably because of regrets cos u left me the first time and you thought that we cannot be apart, and hence, you 'loved' me. the third time, i felt the greatest certainty...

"my captain said that if the girl is willing to wait for a guy for two years in NS, she's worth the keep. just like my wife. i love you."

i keep those words so dear to my heart that once those words no longer exist, it feels like.... the 'love' i once had is gone.

in this post, i just want to let you know that i have never taken back whatever i've said before. that's the sole reason why i can't let go of you even when i feel this way. i have always felt so sure. i can see our future... only if you are willing to work towards it with me. i am willing to wait till your heart is sure. i'm willing to pray for both of our happiness. seriously, all the things that we've been through is such a waste if we don't make it. but if we're not fated to be together, then i guess God has better plans for the both of us, no matter how hard it is to accept that right now.

i don't wanna force you to do or say anything. i want you to mean what you say. and mean what you do. and... i just want to be happy again. :'(

2011-07-01T23:02:00.002+08:00

we don't have a perfect relationship. i know it may seem like other people have such ideal partners, but i'm sure they have their own set(s?) of problems. but what people are able to see is always the happy side of every relationship through social media and such.

sometimes i get so frustrated, i feel like i'm on the verge of letting go, but i never did. and sometimes i don't even know whatever i'm doing is right, because many can say that i deserve better, and that there are many fish(es?) in the ocean. then i'd ask, what ocean? then again, this can only be determined by God. so i'd reason out... perhaps these problems we're facing is really for the better for both of our future. but then again...what future? the future when both of us are not together anymore and so we'll know what to work on for the next relationship that comes along, or the future that we're going to build together?

not every girl would feel this way, and guys definitely have a harder time understanding this situation but... it sucks having to feel this way, and having felt so committed to something that's not definite. yes, we can plan our future together, and God will determine everything. point is, that's IF we even have a plan. but people would say that we should just go with the flow - that's IF there's a flow in the first place.

right now, i just don't know what i want. my heart is always here in place for you. but i keep having doubts (don't blame me) and it's not making me very happy. you know, the heart's been ruptured from the massive heartacheS, it's so difficult not to doubt? i really wanna be with you and live happily ever after, but that's what I want, isn't it?

why am i so sure?

sigh, have faith... have faith.... :(

2011-06-23T12:59:00.002+08:00

i'm a girl who is so excited to do a lot of things but i'm cooped up at home - just being excited. then i'd feel restless cos i'd wanna fulfill this aspirations but i can't (well, not yet anyways).

things that excite me AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

Fund raising for Kcube!
Phuket!
FOC!
My sister opening her birthday present from me tonight! hehehehee
KL (insyaallah)!
making bread pudding later (AND eating them later on at night!)
picnic with the girls next weeeek <3
school reopening!

okay 8 things! seeeeeee how can i contain my excitement like that!

i've been a sad girl for the past 2 weeks, now's my time to blast all my happy energy - full speed!

wheeeeeee

(let's hope this is not shortlived)

2011-06-08T23:43:00.003+08:00

what can i do when nothing i say can be trusted anymore?

what can i do when my good intentions turned to accusations?

nothing.

God you have the answers. Only You can bring me through it. Only You can judge me and only You know how sincere I am.

at times like this, I know who I can turn to and really call them my friends.

Ya Allah, I accept this punishment with such open arms, because punishment in the life hereafter is far worse. :'( I want to be the best in Your eyes, it doesn't matter what others think, right? ...right?

2011-06-06T19:33:00.004+08:00

I predict that this is going to be quite a long post. Somehow or rather, I hope that some of whom I'm gonna be directing the message to will read this and hopefully understand what I can't and hopefully enlighten me so that I don't feel what I'm not supposed to.

If this is not the avenue of which I can express my heartfelt concern, then I don't know what else is because if I were to text every single one of you, it will look like I am so desperate and you don't even get to see the whole picture. If I were to post this up on Facebook, which I am actually considering, then... I don't know, I don't think I'm prepared for the consequences. So it's still a 50-50. So I've decided to type everything out here...which I don't think anyone reads anymore... Then one day when I die (no, I'm not suicidal. We'll all die one day), I hope people understand why I do what I did.

So before you proceed, please read this with an open mind. I'm not deliberately being sarcastic or anything. Everything that I'm gonna mention are real, genuine and since. They mean well, and I'm not trying to make anyone mad. Really.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

I know we all have personal choices and all, but sometimes I just can't help but feel excluded. Obviously, I know some of you feel the same too. The natural exclusivity exists within the group. Among the friends, we have people whom we are closer to as compared to the rest, hence we choose to hang out with them more than the others.

I'd like to have that i-can't-be-bothered attitude and see the bonds that we had falter even greater, but I don't have the heart to. Sadly, not all of us feel that there was even a bond in the first place, and that everything that ever happened was just a phase. All of us met in JC, we hung out with each other for two years... if we're not called friends, then I don't know what else we should 'categorise' our connection as.

Yes I've made a mistake. A huge one. My greatest problem is being judgemental, but PLEASE, don't make it sound as if I'm the only one with this problem. Whatever I 'shared' online was never meant to hurt anyone or to bring anyone down cos 1) I never mentioned any names. 2) That incident happened because YOU GUYS talked about me. OK Yes, this blog post is getting rather too personal, I shall move away from it. Moving along....

THE POINT IS, I have never felt so... excluded and so outcasted. The very reason that I (and some others too) ever hold gatherings all these years is/was to bring all of us closer together. Well apparently some of us prefer 'quality' over 'quantity'. I don't know how you do that but from what I see some would wait for whom they call their 'quality' friends to call them up and have an intimate get-together session or two, whereas some... just keep to themselves. So some of us don't attend gatherings, sometimes even ignore invites... But it's okay, personal reasons perhaps.

So then it brings me to another point. Personal reasons, not necessarily towards me, but towards the whole idea of a gathering, or towards some other people whom they favour less, God knows. It's alright, I understand. Then one day I 'discovered' that I am apparently the 'leader' of the gang. Lea..der..WHUUUUT? then suddenly I have a whole responsibility on my shoulder. It's like being 'appointed' leader, am I not supposed to bring everyone closer together? I'm not trying to self-proclaim a title for myself, but this was really what happened. Many instances, some closer friends of mine would tell me, "just ignore that. you have a choice". Hell yes I do. So then I've decided that I shall stop organising any freakin' event that has got to do with ALL YOUR BIRTHDAYS (well except one or two which I had help from others since, hey we're friends after all.)

That's when I feel this way. Excluded. Outcasted. In order to celebrate your birthday with you, I need to organise it for you? Or else you just won't celebrate it with any other friends? ...Wait are we still your friends? Am I still your friend? OHHH hold on a minute. Now I'm the one getting all petty and paranoid. Then now I realised. I wanna be a part of everyone's life. And I wanna be a good part of everyone's life. But perhaps I don't deserve to be part of theirs because I'm not worthy of a 'friend' entitlement.

Yes I have been a bitch once or twice towards perhaps everyone due to the spur of the moment. But I swear, at the end of every bitchiness, the only feeling I can ever feel is remorse. Great remorse. Not just towards all of you, but towards God. Now, now don't start questioning my faith and religion. We have our dilemmas. We have our internal conflict and I have to face them during every single breathing moment of my life.

So in conclusion, I don't know whether I should keep trying to glue back the pieces which I feel have already been broken...or rather just 'cracked' drastically? Or just seriously ignore this and let everything be a memory of those days that we used to have. I can never thank every single one of you enough for being such a beautiful memory of my JC years and maybe a year or two after that. I guess most of us are moving on from that phase and perhaps some of us don't actually see the need for each other cause we've found people whom we're more comfortable with so let's just chuck aside those useless old friends. You tell me? Am I really this paranoid? Should I really ignore this and not do anything about it?

OH one more thing to add... if I have ever shown any form of exclusivity towards anyone, which I am trying to think of one, would probably a double date that I had with F & A and that was because it was A's and my birthday celebration and you guys were surprising us. And all the other gatherings that we had, I can safely say that 99% of the time, we invited everyone and you 1) ignored our sincere invite 2) just couldn't make it.

So I just wanna apologise if this is such a controversial and provocative post. I hope all of you read it but I'm too scared to ask you people to read this. I love all of you so dearly my friends, and I wish you all the best. May God bless all of us, always.

2011-06-02T23:15:00.003+08:00

i probably know what you were thinking then. but if all that didn't happen, i wouldn't be thinking what i'm thinking now.

what's the point of holding on to something which God forbids? I can't stand living in this life of sin. God, forgive me. I've disappointed you far too greatly. There's no justification for every mistake that we commit - like we are all human. so? We're humans and we're supposed to strive for the best to be in the hands of The Dominion.

it's so easy to say all. too easy. but why is it so hard to do whatever i just said? why is it so hard to be humans? ya Allah, this is truly life's biggest challenge. :'( I want to die as a faithful Muslimah. :'(

But there's this boy I just...feel for... far too greatly. I can't even say the word though I'm pretty sure I feel it. I know he saw what I wrote in my notebook yesterday dated about one and a half years back and just pretended not to see, and it was really awkward. You know how hard it is to suppress something that I truly believed in.

Yes I guess we're just not ready for that L word. whatever happens, we all know who is at the losing end. the women.

i just wonder, how can other guys be so sure?

May God bless our souls.

2011-05-29T09:46:00.002+08:00

Hey Bapak,

I'm sorry that I'm always angry at you. I don't want to be angry, I don't mean to be angry. But circumstances just don't allow me to just shut up and move on. You have your reasons and I have mine, and it just so happens that our reasons are so conflicting that it's just so hard for both of us to understand each other.

I don't like the idea that the situation allows it to look as if I'm the rebellious teenager with lots of angst and you're the control freak parent. All I wish is that there's more harmony in this family and more love that not only can be felt, but also be shown by one another.

Why is it just so hard talking to you, Bapak? Why can't anyone of us talk to you as comfortablyas we all talk to Mak? I've been trying, really I have. I think only Allah can save us all. :(

Lots of love and disappointment,

2011-03-10T23:17:00.003+08:00

And so tomorrow marks the end of my boyfriend's two years of National Service. To think that two years was such a long time when he just enlisted - okay, even before he enlisted, I cried buckets at night. To think that I was already so emotionally attached to him even when we were only together for two months then. Two years practically flew by - but of course I can only say this after that two years period is over.

I know HE is the one ORD-ing tomorrow, but somehow, I feel the need to reflect upon myself over these two years too. He told me that his Captain (or something) told him that if a girl was willing to wait for a guy serving NS for two whole years, she is worth keeping, just like how his wife did the same to him during his time. It touches me to know that he takes what his Captain said seriously. :)

I was very weak when he first enlisted. I couldn't wait for night time to arrive because I anticipate phonecalls from him every single night. And I really mean every single night from the BMT days to OCS days to even after he commissioned. But of course I became less uptight after I got used to his 'busy', 'tired' and 'no mood' moments. OK I'm lying. I made it sound as if I didn't care. Those nights when he was tired, busy and not in the mood, I got really upset and most of the time, it would lead to me crying to sleep. I would text him many emo messages, and most of the time, he would 1) reassure me things are fine, 2) he ignores it cause he's still tired, busy and not in the mood and 3) he would reply really coldly cause maybe I was really overreacting. So yes, these two years was practically an emotional turmoil for me with so much getting used to and adjustments, shrugging off expectations and sometimes even getting false hopes. It was also the two years of bearing so much pain from keeping a lot of things to myself because there was just nothing I could do to let him know or see what I was going through...or so I thought.

On another note, I also realised how much I have to be more understanding and accommodating towards his needs. He is definitely not an emotional person who would lament on every single problem he/we faced. Most of the time, he kept things to himself too. I grew to understand that army life as an officer is tough and challenging and he needed all the mental, physical and emotional strength to overcome everything.

Over the two years, we had a timeout once and broke up twice, and as much as I cannot forget these incidents, I think that they're truly a blessing. He is now much better than he was before. Yes he has his cold, nasty moments... but he can now handle situations better. Just like the phrase, after the storm, comes the rainbow or something? I think that the two years have transformed the 'I' or 'me' into a 'we'. We've learnt to communicate and compromise, and truly realise the importance of communication and knowing what each other feel, so that we don't make each other sad or angry.

So all those emotional days from him leaving for Brunei for 3 weeks, Taiwan for another three weeks, many field camps that can last for 3 - 9 days, those days that he wasn't there when I need him, and many other rough times, will be over tomorrow. I'm sure there'll be other challenges ahead, and I hope we don't stray from each other and remember what we've had all along. I don't think that the two years that we've been together, it had always been rainbows and butterflies as it probably seemed to be...and that is something worth remembering - the ups AND downs of our relationship. :)

May this transition be a smooth one for both us, InsyaAllah.

Happy ORD-ing Sayang. I love you always!

2011-02-28T00:07:00.001+08:00

i feel so happy today. :D

syukur alhamdulillah!

i need photos!

2011-02-25T00:01:00.002+08:00

ok fine i printscreen-ed the photo from fb, and that explains the name there.

anyhows, we all have our sentimental or senti'mentel' moments.

just wanna express something.

everytime i look at that face, beside Madhiah Samat's, i just feel like smiling.

even when he makes me angry or sad.

and sometimes, i would stare at him for a long time and smile, and he'd ignore me. he realises that btw.

i remember when we were working things out after the 2nd break up, and we went to coffee bean. i remember how happy he looked when i stared at him and flashed a cheesy smile. i couldnt describe the feeling. i just felt so happy that we were going to work things out. and when i look at him, i feel so thankful that we're given another chance to still be together. oh shit, teary eyed already.

i better stop.

i feel sick right now actually.

and i know nobody reads this.

good night.

2011-02-24T13:09:00.003+08:00

i am enjoying my recess week with my notes and all.

seriously, no kidding. i've been dying to do this for the longest time!

alhamdulillah, God gave me the motivation to study.

i'm thankful that i have the motivation to study even when i know that half the time, i don't know what's going on (direct attack to sc3206!). i just wish i've more time to study for the other modules though. been reading up on the saaame module for the few days that i am given to do my work.

today, i decided to read the arabic story instead! it's kinda interesting, just that my pace is very very very slow. shall persevere! i think i should start on my response paper asap, BUT i haven't done ANY of the readings for that module. :( really need to learn how to maximise my time now.

2011-02-22T11:56:00.001+08:00

Alhamdulillah!

Praises be to Allah!

Masya'Allah, the 'rizk' that you give us are in such abundance.

Thank you Allah!

2011-02-21T20:45:00.003+08:00

i dislike suria.

not for the very reason that they have meaningless programmes sometimes, but more for the fact that they eliminate all religious aspects and values because...this is a secular state. okay, so we can't blame suria alone.

talking about social issues and problems, dysfunctional families and such... they emphasise the need for us to "succeed like other races", "be on par!", "don't get married too early because you don't have money", etc. it's clear. the malays that are lagging behind are the malays who are reproducing at the speed of lightning. and the advice we give them, is to be successful like the whites/chinese. what about polishing our values first before starting a family? what about cherishing out parents first? what about being morally sound first before starting a family?

the only reasons i can think of that leads to divorce are - angst, no money -> angst, affairs -> angst, jobless -> angst and then turning to unconventional methods of "de-stressing". imagine if these malays are true to God, to the one and only. if only they seek solace from him instead of going wild. if only they don't drink alcohol and get drunk and be a bad influence for their kids. if only they know how to love because of God. imagine how much it will change everyone's perspectives of rowdy, underclass malays who are aimless. God is the only One whom we should all turn to when we're lost. He will lead to us to the right path. Yes, they may be hard off and poor, but God is with those who are in need. if they do things because of God, they will seek every possible means of finding a job that is Halal.

imagine how much the world can change, if everyone just think of Him and do things because of Him.

2011-02-11T02:24:00.002+08:00

sometimes i don't know if i should do things because the intrinsic or extrinsic satisfaction.

perhaps there isn't much space for intrinsic rewards here because it's the extrinsic motivation that seems to drive people to where it is socially 'desirable'. so then there comes the dilemma between the need for doing what we really want (regardless of how well we are able to do it), and doing what we can but do not want to do.

i guess the best is doing things because of God. Truly, our destiny lies in His hands and gaining satisfaction because of Him is more desirable above all worldly desires.

yes, we are fatalistic by nature. yes, we surrender our fates to God. but no, we don't sit around and do nothing to improve ourselves. we put in effort, and do things, with the end in mind. InsyaAllah. may we succeed in life and the hereafter. :)

2011-02-10T00:39:00.003+08:00

I can't help but to feel happy for my dearest friend, farah. :)

i think she's been through a lot and seeing her happy with her "baby or oinkoink", as she calls him, makes me happy too, especially looking at what happened about a year ago.

anyhows, why post entries which are negative and naggy or "critical" all the time right? we have things to be happy about!

okay fine, i do have something to complain about.

I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING MY READINGS. -wails-

and again, i'll have to go to school on my TWO BELOVED FREE DAYS. -wails louder-

tomorrow - make-up tutorial

friday - meeting.

well at least i'll get to meet helmi tomorrow!

okay, hopefully jadi. if not i will be a sad sad girl.

ok dah stop it menyampah.

i will start on my readings. soon.

and looking at the time now *looks up at the clock, ok bedek laptop ade clock* 12.45AM... i definitely won't be jogging tomorrow then. but i need to wake up early. SOOO many things to settle. and and... sleeping the morning away is such a waste of precious time!!! it means the morning's gone..just like that. then i'll have to prepare to go to school at like 12.30pm. haiyah.

ciao!

2011-02-08T23:57:00.002+08:00

i get really annoyed when a facebook status becomes a chat box. especially when i'm not in the mood. it's not anybody's fault sometimes.

i created that update to address/ask something right? but one thing leads to another, and it becomes a personal story etc etc.

i can very well ignore it when i'm in an okay mood, but right now.... nope. just can't.

2011-02-07T12:15:00.002+08:00

every single morning is a battle.

a battle for me to keep calm with all that nagging, staring (only one person does that in this house and it irritates the freak out of me), and assuring myself that patience is virtue.

bad morning = bad day.

seriously, i want a good day.

but yes, sabar.

La Tahzan.

URGHHHH I JUST WANNA SCREEAAAAAMMMM!

off to pack my bag, and try not to be late for class....

and i dont know if i'm ready for arabic quiz at all.

:'(

2011-02-04T12:55:00.003+08:00

i told helmi that i wanted to start blogging again so that it's easier to 'recollect' moments in my life and reflect upon them, just like what i did last week... i re-read my blog entries that was posted a year ago. somehow, everything made sense, because I was the one who typed it. people who know me probably would have known what was going on, some who don't might be able to interpret stuff, some might not even have the slightest idea what i was talking about.

and the thing about blogging is that it doesn't limit my brain capacity to type everything out in one space. i have been pretty active in twitter and facebook. they're like, the closest thing i can reach out to when it comes to 'ranting' or 'bitching' as it may have suggested.

so a few months after not blogging properly, i finally see why it is alright to blog. why i've decided to blog on blogger instead of tumblr is because, i can keep track of the archives better? and of course 'some people' may argue and make know-it-all remarks on how tumblr is NOT blogger/livejournal/whatsoever (despite the increasing outcry of freedom of choice and desires of wanting to do whatever they like in the cyber world *rolls eyes*) oh oops bitchy mode ter-on. hehh.

today, i saw this...

Let’s Be Serious.
What the hell is the point of getting the girl of your dreams if all you want is just to have fun, right? That’ll be such a useless emotional waste of time.
So here’s something for those who are serious about finding Her.
The following is not for those who want to or love to have fun. If you are, well, have fun :)
The End.
No, this is not the end; but think of it. What we are looking for is a summary of how our story ends. When you are 50.. who do you want to be with?
This is not going to make you feel better. It may even make your search more difficult. But, for those who are desperately searching, your patience is worthwhile. You don’t want to waste years with someone who is not The One but you got together with anyway because you felt like you needed to fill a gap, plug a hole or, and forgive me, screw it. You’ll hurt her, you’ll hurt yourself, and while you were with her, you may have missed The One while she was available.
Trust in God. He will give what you deserve.
and if all else fails: Hasbunallah.

(via Zhick)

this was reblogged by helmisani.

and i realised the power of influence. I mean, if we all influence each other positively, the world will be such a better place. hey, admit it, we're all not thaaat good as a person. we have our setbacks and we have our evil side. but imagine this, you happen to make friends with someone who managed to inspire you or you just happen to agree with a certain statement a friend made...a certain statement which you never really thought about. that can go a long way, wouldn't it? and if such goodness benefits one, it can benefit another, and even one whole family. i don't want to be too specific, i'm just too afraid to say it.

but yeah... this would be another beginning to my blogging episode. hohoho.

(i bet nobody reads this anymore but...)
stay tuned :p

2011-01-29T00:22:00.002+08:00

Dear you,

I have always been an emotional girl. Right now, as I'm typing, I'm crying because I think about a million things I shouldn't think about. I'm imagining you dead because I saw someone's facebook wall with so many RIP cause he's passed on. I don't know how my life will be like without you here with me.

I don't want to text you or call you right now cause it might have other kinds of reactions that are really unthinkable as of now. So I'm writing this to you to say how much I really care about you.

I pray that we won't be apart ever again. :'(

I love you so much.

Truly yours,

2010-12-14T16:41:00.002+08:00

it's been awhile! was looking of some place to rant, more privately, but not very. i really hope some people would stumble upon here and read what i'm gonna say.

honestly, i feel kinda suffocated in this media rich and the entertainment world.

what's with the craze with tv shows..boybands, superstars.. celebrities. seriously.just.stop.it.

i know you don't care that i don't care, but why waste your life thinking and worrying about things that don't matter. why not, devote yourself to a more... purposeful thing. like, self betterment and making a difference to the world or something. i plead guilty for being misled to such worldly entertainment and news but i don't get obsessed and i don't want that to be part of me.

newsflash! vanessa hudgens and zac efron broke up. gosh geez i wonder what happened? if i knew what happened to them, i BETCHA I WILL GET SOME FORM OF CLOSURE IN MY LIFE. honestly.

check it O U T 'FRIENDS', GG season finale is out, OH BBM colsdklsmdcals what?

and HAVE YOU WATCHED GLEE SEASON 2 YET? no. ok yes, the first episode. WHAAAAT WHY YOU SO SLOW? slow? where are we going? what's the rush? is that a requirement to go to heaven? ok i'll hurry up.

and yes i watched glee and i don't like how it's soooo unrealistic. it goes like this: i had sex with my boyfriend's bestfriend and i gave birth, and my ex boyfriend is now with a loser girl who thinks she's a star and so many of the glee club hates each other but we all love each other at the same time it doesn't affect me that emotionally or anything that there are too many things going on around each other. i have a baby, everything's fine. so many discriminations around but it's alright, it's just america.

oh what a waste hudgens and efron are not together anymore they looked so good together. didnt we hear that when britney and justin broke up? oh how our lives are devastated and affected, me is sadxZx.

yeah if not for 'us' entertaining the news, the media & entertainment industry would be dead, wouldn't it?

i'm just saying that, perhaps we should think before we write stuff, in particularly about others? i'm not putting myself in efron's nor hudgen's shoes, REALLY. i've got other things in mind. but seriously. but this celebrity empathy phase is over for me long before you could ever imagine (6-7years maybe, hint: madovagoodcharlotte)

i have more to say. just not now. information overload. blunting of emotional responses, that's what they say about the media. hurhur things i learnt in Emotions and Social Life.

here's a takeaway:

I feel so numb, too much is not enough.

Go figure.

2010-09-29T02:14:00.004+08:00

there were many instances when i wanna call you sayang, dear, baby, babykins, babyboy, and many more, but i just couldn't.

and these days i hear so many people complaining about their relationships, i contributed my share, but i pity them... what do they know? really. the shit they've gone through is only a pinch of what i've been through. maybe some have gone through far worse BEFORE, but that.. i have no comments (because i feel it's stupid but i'm sure people think i'm stupid too).

noone has any idea what's going on inside me except God.

2010-09-05T10:52:00.002+08:00

hari raya money + next pay;

need to get those zara pants

more loose tops

and my long overdued dakine bag

2010-06-28T12:20:00.002+08:00

i feel so depressed.
but no one knows, but if you read this, now you know.
my back is making me more depressed than ever. i can't frikkin do anything without it being a bitch. honestly, i want to be comfortable again, being in whatever positions that i choose to sit, lie down, stand up, walk, dance, jump, etc. i feel old. i cant get up without having to hold my breath in pain.

the pain.
oh God, it is unbearable but i know there are people out there who have experienced far worse than I am experiencing now, and You wouldn't give us things that is beyond our capability to cope.

i need strength. i know strength comes from within and i prefer it that way. but sometimes, i do really need strength from external support. something extra. i don't like to trouble people but i know that people can be of some help sometimes, especially when you don't ask for it.

at this rate, i dont feel like doing anything. not even watch dexter. i seriously can't sit down in peace. the back pain is such an annoyance.

and i hate it when i wait for sms replies. maybe i should stop smsing. it's not as if im being annoying. but. ok. pple. are. busy. and. i. am. not.

bye.

2010-06-17T12:37:00.003+08:00

i love it sometimes that i have no commitments to make kids pass their exams.
but right now, i really need tuition assignments. because i need to save up thousands of dollars for next year's plans.

and right now, i'm having cramps and i've no idea why because my period is not that heavy right now. maybe i want to shit.

argh.

2010-05-31T12:18:00.002+08:00

you know you're bored when you start missing a lot of things.
but of course when i miss something, i really mean it...not just because i'm bored.

i miss going on mini adventures with helmi. like our mount faber to henderson waves hike. and getting lost and walking for hours and end up going somewhere else. and walking back home instead of taking the bus, then we can walk and talk. go to random parks and just walk around and explore. going to the beach for a picnic with nice weather and just talk.

i love to talk. i think it's such a healthy activity..until we start talking about people, in a negative way. sigh. but, other than that..yeah, i love to talk about life, share my experiences, visualise the future..stuff like that.

and i think i've mentioned this before. appreciating simple pleasures. nothing beats simple pleasures in life. i'd like that. really. and even simple gestures. they mean so much more than complicated ones.

above all other things, i truly miss helmi. i know, i've said it in the previous post before... and i don't mean to sound obssessed or anything. but i really do miss him. time is just not on our side.. or perhaps his side. i've always felt the excitement of having to get ready to meet him, whether i'm late or not.. whether it's planned or unplanned. but for this 3 whole weeks, it's just different as compared to the previous weeks before when he had nights out and i could meet him for dinner.. or he'd take offs. or just making whatever time we have during the weekends to meet up, be it just the 2 of us of with our friends.

i think this is such a personal entry, i'm contemplating whether i should publicise it, but what the heck i've already typed this.. might as well. and ever since that incident, i learnt to appreciate him even more...

i hope i can talk to him tonight. busy day for him today.. :/

2010-05-28T11:58:00.002+08:00

What I miss about being 16:

1. I had lots of Chinese friends (multiracial mah. but not many Indians because my school didnt offer Tamil Language)
2. I had Math homework which was fairly manageable
3. I have things to do every weekend and since I was never really encouraged to go out then, the weekends don't seem so bad, come to think about it now
4. I have great teachers whom I see every weekday
5. I had a major crush and it makes going to school exciting
6. I got to do silly things with the besties, especially Hayati since we stay so so so freakin near to each other
7. I had library duties which was totally slack
8. The only people I go out with were my cousins and it was a huge thing for me because it made me feel cool.
9. Biology with my teacher was fascinating, and he always reads his students' blogs, which was kinda cool for a teacher back then.
10. Not having a boyfriend was legitimized, and it didn't really matter much to me because I couldn't imagine myself being with a boy anyway because ultimately, studies came first.
11. School was so near to my house.
12. I used to anticipate and wish that my crush (a senior) would go back to school to see the teachers or something
13. I really like A. Math! (i know i mentioned this already)
14. Malay lessons were awesome because Cikgu Cheah is always awesome!
15. I don't think I had to think so much about life back then
16. Everything was unfair
17. Childish fights and looking down on (some) juniors
18. I was a class chairperson
19. I could be going pretty badly but still had others who did worse than me. (not intending to sound arrogant :p)
20. and everything else that happened in between...

I can safely say things turn out being way different 4 years later. I am now 20, happy with my life, but I still have things that annoy me. I am more matured, and probably the scent of innocence are deteriorating. One thing's for sure, I think I appreciate life more now than I used to. ;) ...but i still miss being 16.

2010-05-28T11:14:00.003+08:00

I AM SO BORED!
the public holidays and weekends have never been THIS boring before!

when i wanna stay at home, people ask me out. and when i wanna go out, nobody asks me out. bad enough, helmi's in camp for 3 long weeks! *grits teeth*

i can't wait for the next weekend, i hope it'll be good.
will be having the AAM camp also till Saturday for me, i think.
sobs. left with Sunday for him, but I'm not sure when he'll have to book in?
and then on monday(7th) i'll be going to Baliii, insyaallah...

even if i'm out, i don't want to fork out my money. and my muscles are sooo sore from jogging yesterday!

i realise waking up early in the morning really makes the day longer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO BORED SO BORED SO BORED.

2010-05-27T21:32:00.002+08:00

Just now we kinda fought for the first time and this was what we ended with:

H: We really miss each other don't we... Haiz...
M: Uhuh... :'(

i miss this boy so much. so so much, i can go crazy. if i were to go crazy, i'd wanna go crazy with you! mwahaha

xoxo

2010-05-24T21:17:00.002+08:00

i don't like being asked to do things i don't want to do. or sometimes i just want to do things willingly, not because i was asked to. please understand. it's been like this since i was small, but most of the time, i don't disobey. you know what this makes me feel? a plain working class individual - always the one receiving instructions and obeying them.

now now, suddenly i feel class conscious aye? pfft i guess sociology teaches me some stuff.

i don't want to stay in the working class position. i want to have some form of power that enables me to dictate people, one way or another. i want power.

because i am so sick of having people hovering over me telling me to do this and that, what is right or wrong, what to do with my life, instructing and ordering me around, forcing me to do things, argh just too many!

ok as i typed this, i was instructed another thing. not really instructed. it's like, being asked to do something without even my permission. something like, "what time are you free tomorrow? ok meet me at blablabla. bye."

hello? do i not deserve the least bit of authority...over myself? my own self?

not that i'm not willing to help or do whatever. i am, but sometimes i just don't think it's the right way to ask people to do things? i'm sure for every good things we do, God will repay us. but how long do i have to put up with such working class treatment, just because perhaps my family isn't exactly middle class, so to speak?

when i grow up, i wanna be a middle class. i want to move up the social ladder, have a cultured family who respects arts in any form, at the same time be strong in the religious values and have obedient kids.

but as of now, things won't be changing much...but i'm slowly exercising autonomy for myself.

2010-05-14T22:52:00.002+08:00

this whole week, and a couple of days from last week... ok maybe these few weeks, i've been nothing but an emotional wreck.

what is wrong with myself?

oh great, just talked to faiz and i started tearing up.

just now before i parted with helmi, i cried....at the freakin mrt station. i cried so badly, and i couldn't even explain why. THAT emotional, and can't even find the reason...

i should just learn to relax and stop being a crybaby, damnit!

maybe i'm just crying for everything that's happening around me. maybe?
perhaps there is just something inside that's buried that i can't express.
i'm wondering if it's just PMS.... but it's never been THIS bad!

thanks sayang for putting up with me. for not tolerating your jokes, walking away, crying, and everything else that might have annoyed you. :'(

2010-05-11T23:23:00.004+08:00

nothing much to blog about these days. even if there are, suddenly i feel like cyber venting tools can be quite...annoying. sometimes i just feel that whatever's on the internet can be so shallow because everything is just too subjective to be generalised.

i have decided not to have a tumblr because i don't think i can be bothered reblogging contents.

i have turned a little cynical towards so many things i see online... i dont know, maybe it's just towards a specific audience. *shrugs*

anyhows, happy 16 monthsary sayang!

farewell nas, hope you're well now, wherever you are!
and congrats to kak su and abang fauzul for wafeeq aqil! <3

2010-05-08T22:15:00.002+08:00

2010-04-30T09:37:00.001+08:00

my greatest fear while sitting for an examination is..... shitting in the middle of the paper.

2010-04-28T20:11:00.001+08:00

Narrated by Abu 'Amir or Abu Malik Al-Ash'ari: that he heard the Prophet (peace be upon him) saying, "From among my followers there will be some people who will consider illegal sexual intercourse, the wearing of silk, the drinking of alcoholic drinks and the use of musical instruments, as lawful. And there will be some people who will stay near the side of a mountain and in the evening their shepherd will come to them with their sheep and ask them for something, but they will say to him, 'Return to us tomorrow.' Allah will destroy them during the night and will let the mountain fall on them, and He will transform the rest of them into monkeys and pigs and they will remain so till the Day of Resurrection." (Sahih Bukhari Book #69, Hadith #494)

2010-04-28T19:04:00.004+08:00

in moments when we feel like we've lost everything, God is always there.
tangibly, women in general will need the comfort of each other.
to my friends, if you are facing any difficulty, please stay strong. cause we all need all the strength that we have to pull through a difficult phase, leave it behind for a bright new beginning cause the difficulty that we face is a test from Him and if we manage to overcome it, we learn to truly appreciate His blessings for us.

it's easy for me to say, but who said i didn't learn something? :)

2010-04-20T18:37:00.002+08:00

i'm sooooooo sick of studying, because it's always so difficult to study comfortably -.-
it's either my chair is uncomfortable, my posture is bad, there's something wrong with my body, my neck aches whenever i study or i just dont feel like studying. then i'd resort to studying on the floor... then i'd fall asleep.

that's how studying annoys me.

if i can just find peace and comfort in studying, i'd gladly do that.

oh sometimes, my tummy grumbles cos it needs food.

2010-04-19T21:31:00.002+08:00

i think i have this habit... when i stay in school to study, i eat snacks for lunch. that means an improper meal right? and somehow, i think it's taking a toll on my body.

and i have this dilemma whether school is the place to go when i wanna study because when i went to school just now, the library is a mess - fully infested with people who are study, apparently - but of course some people were facebooking, watching videos, chatting away, walking back and forth with their noisy slippers, sleeping... and of course leaving their bags on seats for like a long period of time (lama seh kau punye break) so that other people won't sit on your freakin seats.

maybe i won't study in the library this time. maybe i'll just study at home.... it saves 3 hours of travelling time! but there's always something about staying at home sometimes... i either get too complacent because i get the luxury of almost every bit of comfort or... i dont know i just can't study as effectively? nah, actually it always depends on the will!

so after tomorrow, i shall stick to studying - AT HOME. and i resolve to not sleep again after my morning prayers to study because if i wake up at 10 to study, the lift construction would start its daily runs of making noise and constructing lifts... sounds good enough.

i swear after exams, im gonna go for a massage. gonna ajak my auntyyy hehehe.

i cant wait for the 3 months holidayssss :D:D:D

2010-04-15T23:36:00.002+08:00

what's all these debate going on about polytechnic and JC students' admissions to university.
everyone has equal rights to enter, hello? they're all based on your grades?

not every JC students qualify for uni but they're further sympathised because if they don't make it, they can't go anywhere. yes, then we talk about private unis which some of the poly people go to, but what about those who can't afford? then jolly well do very well for the A's, damnit! same goes to the poly students. whether you like it or not, singapore's a freakin rat-race everywhere you go. and if you don't believe you can't meet a certain GPA for uni admission, then don't complain. but of course opportunities in singapore are freakin huge that it gets harder. and diploma holders are so lucky they get experiences so looking for a job would be less harder than those undergrads who have no freakin experience, like me currently.

and if you wanna argue about poly people not getting places because they're not prioritised, it's been emphasised from the start that jc students have higher access to uni entrance - yes from the very beginning before you even took your O levels. so, don't complain.

and there's a 4th university coming up if i'm not wrong, so don't complain.

oh and if you really wanna go to uni, if there's a will there's a way. join teaching, save money, gain experience, get a degree. or you don't have to join teaching, you can do other jobs with your specialisation anyways.

sheesh. facebook groups......

2010-04-15T19:18:00.004+08:00

"Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy. Maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope."

got this from huda's tumblr!
i dont know if i should set up a tumblr. looks freakishly addictive. it's like, not blogging directly and it's fast... there are many things i want to comment about tumblr but i think i'll keep it to myself. Cause i might just create an account... after exams. but then again, what's the point when everyone blogs the same things. but then again, it'd teach me to be selective in what i choose to reblog and each post would mean something... like what tasha said, those who knows her would know exactly what each tumblr post is about even though if it means just a photo or a word.

hmm hmmm hmmmmmm.....

we shall seeee...

2010-04-15T00:09:00.005+08:00

hmmm?... this has been stuck in my head for a few days now.

suddenly i just feel so sick in my stomach
and i wanna run away from everything
run away
away from all the worries and negativity

and i wonder what'd have happened if certain decisions were not made.
i wonder who i would have become.
i wonder how everyone else would have become.
but funny how life is not about rewinding and passing forward.
it's about what we're gonna do next when things have already happened.

and as much as we'd like to lead a smooth life, it just gets rocky along the way.
and i can't help how i'm feeling now.
angry? hurt? sad? thankful?
i don't know.
i'm confused.

especially when things are actually okay, but sometimes the sickening mind gets a little too inquisitive?
what if this and that happens in the future?
future.
only God determines it, huh?
but we can still do something about it, can't we?

and sometimes, i can't help but feel afraid.
sigh

2010-04-12T23:34:00.003+08:00

what a good monday! haven't really had that in a while. i must say my weekend wasn't too bad either.

today, i reached school at like 10.30am to hurriedly submit tasha's term paper and mine only to find that we could slot in the papers between 10 - 12pm. so i was in school from like 10.30 am, and my lecture started at 4... well, actually 2, but i skipped it.

when i reached the soci department, i realised that my file was a little too big for the pigeon hole, so i went to the central forum to put down my bag, and i went to get myself a sausage mcmuffin cos i was friggin hungry. i woke up at 8.23am when i was supposed to leave my house at 8.30am. -.- after going to macdonalds, i went to the co-op to get a smaller file and then went to the soci department again to hand in my paper and then proceeded to the canteen to get myself a cup of nescafe. hehehe.

i went back to the forum and saw farid so i waved at him. just as i was about to settle down in the forum thinking i'd have breakfast all alone like everyone else (i saw everyone seated behind me were eating alone), i heard syazana calling my name and so i sat with her. moments later, shikeen, dina and aisyah came over cause they ended lecture early. then luqman and diy came. and then khai came. and we sorta just hung around. aisyah and i bought homemade iced lemon teas (which i feel like having now cos im SO thirsty) then walid and syaza came and walid told us a horrendously funny joke.

then i had lunch with farah, shikeen, ruzaini and zah and we talked so much - feeling2 YJ. then farah and i went for lecture which ended early. then helmi texted me and so i met him at pasir ris to catch Clash of the Titans in 3D. then we(I) were(was) hungry, so we decided to have sushi buffet which was quite cheap. then we tamak, and then we hid all the rice in between each plate and stacked them all up. then the rice dropped inside the glass of water, and everywhere else on the table (we really couldn't finish it). then we laughed so hard remembering how burok i cried and how drama we were. then i went home, and he went back to camp.

then now i'm here.

i know i'm blogging like a primary school kid but hey, once in a while, what's the harm? hahahaha. i feel so high today. i really loved all the simple pleasures and cheap thrills i had today. now, let reality sink in.... it's 2 weeks to exams. tomorrow, i shall mug hard. really hard. ciao!

2010-04-08T23:48:00.002+08:00

hahah just find this a little funny. like, ha ha kind of funny.
the three people are totally not related to each other in any form and their statuses are kind of related and back to back.

this week has got to be the most tiring week of school everrrr.
4000 words essay due monday. i am nowhere near completion.
yawns. tomorrow. i shall do it tomorrow. at least 3000 words. yes. and please, NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH MYRNA BLAKE'S BOOK TOMORROW BECAUSE I'M GONNA USE IT. bye.

2010-04-06T23:03:00.002+08:00

i enjoy simple pleasures.

short meals, watching the clouds, good morning and good night greetings, deep and meaningful conversations, getaways, humour, a simple smile, a hearty laughter and every other little things.

oh life is wonderful when we're happy.
it only turns sour when we're not.

2010-04-04T11:53:00.002+08:00

i think i'm too used to having things my way. perhaps now it's time to make things that don't go my way be something that i want. *shrugs*

2344/3000 words for essay. come on.... you can do this... arghhh

2010-04-03T23:29:00.000+08:00

one thing i learnt about myself is that.. i like to say sorry. i grew to apologise to people about things that are probably not even wrong. but i just strongly feel that apologising is an act of courtesy to make someone feel better and let them know that it's probably not their fault and you can just push the blame on me. and the next possible courtesy is probably those who were being apologised at would say, hey no, it's alright it's not your fauly, I'M sorry.

then both would come to a compromise that everything is alright now. we're both sorry and our apologies are accepted. but apparently, some people feel that everything is no one's fault and no one should apologise, even though it is really no one's fault. i really wanna say that's what you called, ego? but i guess some things just don't go our way sometimes. and some things just don't go out way most of the times. it sucks, but we have to live with it, and not do anything about it? cause life's like that. -.-

2010-03-31T23:31:00.003+08:00

everything seems to be okay now.
i just hope that those who don't know the real story wouldn't judge anyone in particular...
my heart is still healing though.
time. that's all i need...
i hope you'll understand...
i guess it really is quite a painful process, but all these really happened for a reason.
that reason which we discussed about just now.
please God, make us stronger than ever before.

and of course, i'd like to thank every single one of those who showed their concern towards me. i've never felt so much warmth from so many people, even those whom i hardly talk to.. thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart. :)

2010-03-30T07:54:00.002+08:00

after sacrificing myself to take you in, you still don't do justice to me.

.
.
.
.

coffee, you make my teeth yellow, but i consume you still cause i wanna perk myself up. but i end up feeling sleepy still.

*yawns*

2010-03-28T10:07:00.000+08:00

what's all these now?

2010-03-28T01:46:00.002+08:00

Oh God, this is one of the greatest test You have given me. Please gather all my strength to pick me back up again. I'm so weak right now, I can't feel anything.

2010-03-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

am i that good at masquerading that you can't tell that i'm not ok?

2010-03-26T18:17:00.001+08:00

i feel weak all of a sudden. so so weak.

2010-03-26T17:46:00.002+08:00

let's start this off by the photo that i really like at the moment. hehe.

havent had a proper update for QUITE some time.

the stress of assignments and submissions is driving everyone insane, but we're still breathing and smiling. i learnt to realise that smiling helps in brushing the negative energy away from everyone in school. we can't have everyone frowning at the littlest (or even the biggest) things.

when you say the wrong things in tutorial, smile. if not, you will look so bloody paiseh.
when you had a bad morning, try to smile and make the rest of the day better.
when your friend had a bad morning, listen to her, and try to make her smile so both won't suffer together.
when you see anyone you know, just smile. it doesn't matter if they don't smile back.

it's understandable that some people are just full of hot air sometimes. but let's try remove the heat from them?

but of course when you need to, rant it out on someone, but both must come to a consensus that an angry person is always almost full of nonsense. so no hard feelings should be taken in when that angry person is ranting. all you have to do is be there, listen, and say, "everything is going to be alright..." *smile* because at the end of it all, everything will be alright, God willing.

April is drawing so near and I can smell the strong stench of deadlines... OH! and... I did it! i went to school alone and sat in the library alone and did my work alone for 4 solid hours (minus travelling time) how did it feel? it felt SUPER-AWESOME, minus the damn hungry. reminder to self: bring food along just in case i feel like dying of starvation.

i hope to have more loner sessions. it shuts me up and it gets my ass down to business. woots! of course, with the friends around, there would be laughters. but sometimes, you just gotta do, what you have to do.

meeting the geng later! tata~

2010-03-22T23:56:00.001+08:00

given this situation, i just want to hide somewhere, be alone with all my notes.

no. no to study dates. not now at least.

2010-03-14T10:15:00.002+08:00

everyone is entitled to his or her own opinions.
doesn't mean you're not in favour of something, you think others are doing the wrong things, no?
yes, of course when the doings become socially defined as not right, then it's time to rethink about it. but if there's a certain kind of practice which someone else does that you don't inculcate in your everyday life, it does not mean that someone else should stop doing it just cause you think you shouldn't.

i realise we all have a certain kind of habit that makes us judge people who we're not in favour of. everything they do would be wrong, whereas they could have their own reasons for doing so. i just wish i could stop judging people.. why is human nature like this? maybe i should just speak less. that'll stop me from making other people judge, right?

like my nenek always says, 'kerana mulut, badan binasa' - whatever you say can cause self-destruction or something.

2010-03-14T00:38:00.002+08:00

wherefore art thou?
i miss you girls so much!

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUDA DEAREST, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW! I MISS YOU! may you have the awesomest 20th ever ;D
xxx

2010-03-13T14:23:00.003+08:00

one year ago, at this time, i felt really miserable and empty.
one year ago, i didn't realise there's so much more to life than thinking about what's inevitable.
one year ago, i was less independent.
one year ago, was 13th march, your day of enlistment.

within that one year i think i've grown a weeny bit wiser, and gained some experience in 'serving the nation' emotionally. i can say that i can be such an emotional wreck, but with all the support of my friends and family, i got by. it takes a lot of patience - not only from my side, but both sides.

there were times when i didnt understand how tiring it can be for you, and kept asking you whether you're booking out or if we're going out... i bet that is irritating but you kept your cool. there were times when i was a bit fed up that you were tired, but you kept cool, and of course, i realised that it was unfair for you. there were times when you didn't want to send me home and i wasn't happy but i'm chill now. i guess it's all a learning process for us, and still is.

BMT was already so shit, then came in OCS. the first three weeks confinement struggle that made us closer, somehow? your 10 days field camp, 3 weeks in brunei and another 3 weeks in taiwan. i pulled through. through your hardship i realised how much OCS actually meant to you and though you said you're not so into it, i could sense the eagerness for you to get that rank.

just one more week till commissioning! i'm sharing your joy with you and i'll continue to give you the support that you need, insyaallah. i know i'm irritating and petty sometimes, but i'm sorry for being a girl.

there're so many more things that we've yet to discover and learn and i'm sure as time goes by, we'll be able to take it one at a time and resolve everything together and be happier...

xoxo

2010-03-07T12:44:00.001+08:00

i have a temper, but i think i get hurt more than i hurt people.

2010-03-07T09:00:00.001+08:00

perhaps this is the step to take to be a better person.

2010-03-05T00:33:00.003+08:00

hot.

so cute please.

tasha and i are oggling our eyes at greenpoppies (blogshop that aisyah introduced :D)
it's as good as windowshopping for people like us who dont really have THAT much time to windowshop till the fullest satisfaction (ie get something eventually).

i wanna spend, but i can't. because those money i saved, is for the perfect gown :) (mcm nak kahwin pulak...)

2010-03-04T09:07:00.002+08:00

First photo - when i was 18 in july/august 2008?
2nd - ermm august 2009?

clearly showed my fattest and thinnest moments.

3rd one was taken in sept/oct 2009?
and with the same dress, the 4th pic was taken in feb 2010.

yeah i guess i've lost and gained weight, and i'm probably less fit than before. i know one thing for sure, definitely, i'm not like how i used to be in 2008 - just to show evidence!

right now, my ultimate motivation to shape up is for myself! i wanna improve my stamina cause i know i've always been a slow runner. i wanna shed off the unwanted fats so i can be healthier. and perhaps i wanna lose weight partly because of the pressure i had (just a tiny percentage, erm, 15%?) oh and i wanna look stunning for comms ball. hehehe tak tau malu,

so i shall look at everything on a positive light now. i must be more confident of myself and not let others stop me from doing what i wanna do. i hope i can take up this challenge!

for those who think that i think i'm fat, just to reassure, i KNOW i'm not fat, i'm just not thin. and as human beings, we all see some imperfections in all of us that we wish we could get rid off. that's all. heh.

2010-03-03T11:20:00.000+08:00

2010-02-28T21:01:00.005+08:00

and so february 2010 has come to an end.. no matter how much we wish we can buy back time, we just can't. some of my friends turn a year older this month.

1. Mala (3/2)

thanks for inviting us to your sweet party, though it had a little bit of setback on your part, sorry :( hope you had a great 21st, nonetheless!

2. YQ (16/2)
3. Jeriel (20/2)
4. Erwin (24/2)

Happy birthday to the three of you! haven't met them in the longest time ever. i doubt they would even come here.

5. Farah (22/2)
..and to my beloved baby girl, happy birthday! hope you enjoyed your 20th very very much :)

this month.. i made a couple of new friends! hmm helmi's cousins during paintball, zakiyah (helmi's and ruzaini's sec sch friend) during a sushi & ramen dinner.

and it's kinda nice going out on dates with more than one person.

hahaha. the three of us went to orchard central's roof top to have a TOSTITOS feast!
another thing that happened! my baby boy has finished his pro-term! 3 more weeks to his commissioning day bebeh!
(he looks so annoyingly thin here, i'm so jealous. but ruzaini said i look thin too, so okay la, not so jealous.)

oh yesss CVD at YJC! a greaaat day where all the jc mates, or part thereof, get to meet up and think of those yj moments we had. talking to cikgu noraidah was just splendid :D

and i think this photo is so candid. SO SO FUNNY. look at helmi! hahahahah
hmmm FBDP?

2010-02-28T11:32:00.003+08:00

i just feel like screaming out for more ME-TIMEs! i miss myself. madhiah, let's spend some time together, shall we?

but well, apparently, my me-time for today would be studying. i think i should start on my term paper which is due in 3 - 4 weeks' time? yeah. i should. cos that period would be a damn busy period. why did i take social inequalities.. waaa i hate it so much. but i shouldn't hate. i must embrace it. pfft. whatever.

i've SOOO many things to get which i have not gotten!

1. face moisturiser
2. cotton pad
3. wax strips
4. THE dress.
5. notebooks.
6. chanel chance. (hurhur)

ok obviously no. 6 is not so important. but i haven't gotten a new perfume in sooooo long. the last time was my bvlgari omnia crystalline which i got it in ermmm last year? june i think. yeah, june. but i keep using my lacoste touch of pink, which i got in ermm april or so.

how the hell did i afford to buy so many perfumes ah? how come i can't afford it now? hmmm... i think i don't go out as often as i do now, so maybe i didn't spend as much as i do now.

i'm so proud of myself for not buying anything last night at haji lane and topshop/dorothy perkins. felt a bit weird for not purchasing anything but, heck. then again, maybe it's because i wasn't with the usual shopping companions. i only buy a lot of stuff when i'm with my farah baby. hahahah.

i hope this upcoming week would be fruitful since i've school for only 3 days. and only one tutorial. heehee. but that one tutorial.. ahh i can't comprehend what's the purpose of it? i mean, the first tutorial was like nothing? and the 2nd tutorial, i wasn't in school and farid said it was nothing as well? wonder what the 3rd one would be like.

oh yeah, i need to shape up. about.. hmm 4? weeks to comms' ball? dunno when i've the time to look for a dress. perhaps this coming weekend, so i better make use of my wednesday and friday to the maximum - study as much as possible. and i probably should go jog everyday or something before school, yay me-times! you know it's like when you're alone, you can think about so many things based on your own perspective, without having other people to voice out THEIR views? because at the end of the day, you'll have to make your own decision which is almost equivalent to following what your heart and mind tell you?

and sometimes when we talk to people, we tend to talk about other people, which is fun, but wrong?

sigh there are so many things which are nice to do but are wrong religiously, well, okay values wise, so to speak. guess it's up to us to limit ourselves and know what we're doing and then subsequently know how to handle it. or even better, stop totally. then again, it's so hard to avoid human nature. so what are we to do, hmmm?

2010-02-28T00:25:00.001+08:00

i don't wanna ask for too much but....

should i talk to you about it?

2010-02-19T09:48:00.001+08:00

dah kene mcm gini banyak kali, knape masih tak season eh? sigh

2010-02-17T12:48:00.006+08:00

so the loooong weekend's over! i enjoyed every single little bits and pieces of it very very much :)

well let's see..

Saturday
Didn't go for mendaki cos i was still feeling sick. Went to school for Taklimat and Bengkel for DSK. farah's panadol worked wonders. hehehe. had mini bonding session with the mss people cos we played uno while bengkel was held. hehe.

Met helmi and ruzaini after that to eat at Hei Sushi.. well that WAS the plan but then we realised soooo many shops were closed. so we ate at Rubina's at sembawang instead. ohmygoodness yummy satay, naan set meal and orange juice.. couldn't stop coughing at night. haha.

Sunday
i still felt a bit sick in the morning so i was forcing myself to get well soon! ate panadol and rested for a while before meeting helmi syg to go to henderson waves for our chillax session. i wouldn't say it was a valentine's day date. it just so happened that we was out of camp, and i'm finally free that sunday and we haven't really really went out in a long time, so yeah! we went there with the intention to watch a movie on my netbook - PS I love you. butttttt his harddisk and my netbook weren't getting along fine, so we lost the mood and ended up eating all the food we(he) bought and watched the clouds. cloud watching is soooo nice because masyaallah the clouds were so amazingly beautiful! i felt as if it was a different place altogether if i don't look around my surroundings.

after we're done chillaxing, we packed our stuff and went to sembawang for a sushi dinner! sadly, no phototaking :( he had some unagi something something, while i had my beef bento set! had some sushis after that. i looooved that day, really :D

Monday
PAINTBALLLL! need i say more? it was awwweeeesoommmeeee!!!!! went home with about 6 major bruises, but they're all worth the pain(t). :D went to teh tarik after that, argh i hate cats lingering around lah seriously. but company was great nonetheless. :D

we are the awesomez.

Tuesday
met helmi again, and thought we could watching the lightning thief but the whole world seems to be watching movies that day, so the cinema was packed like sardines. ended up eating KFC and walked around causeway point, while helmi was contemplating if he should get his iphone that day. he didnt get it in the end. haha

went home and cik cah was sleeping over. my brother treated us to sarpino's pizzaaa yummeh. watched an indonesian movie, Taubat, at night. quite hilarious, but well, the message's there. Jangan puja Jin Kafir semata-mata untuk kekayaan dunia, Sesungguhnya tiada Tuhan melainkan Allah dan rezeki itu diturunkan hanya daripadaNya. cheh. hahaha.

.....

after this long weekend, i just wanna say that i'm really happy that i got to spend time with you, not just during the long weekend, but throughout the whole week while i was sick because you were there emotionally, with all that sms-es and whatnots.

it may be nothing to everyone else because well, their boyfriends sms and call them all the time, while mine doesn't. haha i'm proud to say that i'm not just an NS Boy's girlfriend, i am an OCS boy's girlfriend who doesn't get as much attention, and time, with him. like, he just can't be there all the time because it's not his choice. and this has taught me so many things like being patient and strong... though i still feel that sometimes i am lacking of these qualities.

hmmm now that the long weekend's over, panic button's on but i'm still not doing anything...which is kind of annoying. i have my midterm's test next week for goodness sake! tuition later on, museum and gayakidz tomorrow, tuition again on friday. mendaki the following day. sunday, official panic day. I SHALL GO FIND MY ARTICLES RIGHT NOW. have a great recess week, NUS friends! :D

2010-02-12T19:50:00.002+08:00

Dear God, please make me well again. I have so many activities lined up for me, and i can't afford to lie in bed all day long, letting these activities run without me :(

i've been sick since sunday.. i think this is the worst sick duration ever for me. usually it's 1 - 4 days? but this time...... :'(

i smsed the mendaki head tutor that i cant come tomorrow, it's so late minute but i hope it won't affect anything :( my head's spinning while preparing for tomorrow's class.. what makes it possible for me to wake up tomorrow and go to class with such energy. to top it up, i've to go to school tomorrow... and i wanna meet helmi tomorrow for dinner :( if i'm well that is.. and IF he's out...

and i wanna go out on sunday. :(

and i wanna play paintball on monday :(

:'( I WANNA BE ALIVE AND KICKIN' AGAIN.

i just had the best lesson plan for my english lesson tomorrow.......... sigh.
can't say the same for math though, surprisingly. because honestly, i cant deal with direct/inverse proportion. WHYY did i ask them to do that exercise. pfft.

i am craving for mcdonald's prosperity burger.
and sushi.
and pastamania. :/
and you. :(

2010-02-09T11:23:00.004+08:00

i can have my sundays back, yay! :D
wonder what's in store for the upcoming sunday.

i feel like my recess week begins a week earlier.
havent been going to school since yesterday cos i'm sick, and mondays and tuesdays are the busiest week during the odd weeks. i've no school on wed and fri cos i dont have any lectures or tutorials.. now that makes thursday the only day i'll be going to school this week. for a 2hour lecture, and that's it.

i better make really good use of next week. NEEED to catch up with readings, shopping, cleaning my wardrobe(again) and desk, spending time with family, boyfriend, friends and myself.

i hope to spend some quality time with this ~~boy~~ man this coming long weekend. it's been quite some time due to our conflicting schedules. ;)

2010-02-04T02:58:00.003+08:00

i'm so happy for you, mr officer-to-be :D
and boy am i glad you're fine. alhamdulillah!

on a side note, i just completed my essay and powerpoint slides for the mdis course!
phewwww. it is now... 3.02am.
can't wait for tomorrow night! can sleep earlier and wake up later the next day because.... i don't have school on that day! then again, there's so much readings to catch up... ahh well. let's all accept it with open arms. we ALL need more time one way or another. we're not alone.

i wanna sleeeep.. but i haven't prepared anything for my SS presentation tomorrow. :(

2010-01-29T13:18:00.001+08:00

we all have expectations, what're yours?
tell me, cause i'm unsure. ):

2010-01-29T11:16:00.001+08:00

sometimes, instead of doing otherwise, you diminish every single optimism that i have.

2010-01-29T00:35:00.002+08:00

a simple thank you would be nice.
what about a sorry?

there are just some things this certain species won't get and probably will never understand.

swallowing allll the misery in the world.
only God knows...
sigh

2010-01-28T00:26:00.002+08:00

i got this off Aizat's fb status:

Find the best in everybody; no matter how you have to wait to show them...

it struck me that nobody's perfect, and we must accept everyone's flaws. it'll be better if we see the good side of everyone and put aside everything bad.. it's less sinful that way anyways. perhaps i should do that. when we speak bad things of others, it's not as if we're that good right? :)

2010-01-27T22:54:00.000+08:00

hmmmph

2010-01-26T07:20:00.003+08:00

i know some people hates reading opiniated or 'evaluative' posts but i hope you can read this one, whoever's reading. :)

people who suffer much worse than we do have inner peace because of God.
and we, fortunate people with food to eat and shelter above our heads, gifts from God which we don't realise - family, friends, abilities to do so many things, education, our senses, technology, etc yet most, or rather some of us, lack that peace in mind or at heart. and we forget, or maybe just don't realise the reason we breathe. the reason we can see and hear almost everything about the world today. who gave us all these?

the reason why we're here today, is not purposeless. we are people with abilities and we should make our lives as fulfilling as possible, at the same time having the End in mind, no? everything is about results. yes, worldly results but what about the hereafter results which you can't study for but is based on what we really do, feel and believe while we're still breathing? i mean, we've got to start investing our lives for good returns in the life hereafter right?

Idris Tawfiq, a roman-catholic priest who converted to islam mentioned something about settling for second best? i haven't read the book i bought yet but i hope to share what it's about as soon as i read it. i think it means something like we can never settle for THE ultimate best in this world, because ultimately God is The best? i think?

i'm not saying all these because i am a holy good person and i am preaching so that you should, you know, start doing all the good things in the world, especially the compulsory ones like praying, like in a snap, you know? yes it takes time. i just keep having these thoughts in mind and i really hope i can start being a better Muslim? i'm just saddened that people, ok not just people, but some people around me not only avoid/miss out the compulsions but to some extent, go all the way to do other things which are obviously not right. and some even thinking that ahh, i'll wait till i'm a certain-age till i start doing this and that. how sure are you that you'll live up to that certain-age? and sometimes in the morning we groan and moan that we're too tired for prayers, is God ever too tired for you? and Syaitans, damn them Syaitans for always being in our way. but do we really blame them, or ourselves?

honestly, i plead guilty for committing sins. i am reminding others, at the same time myself that we should do our best to minimalise our sins? the least we could do, or the first few steps to be taken, is perhaps devote ourselves to God and pray to him as we are required to?

Oh God, lead us to the right path. Amin.

2010-01-22T21:24:00.002+08:00

sorry to whomever this may concern but... when we update our facebook statuses, we should be prepared to receive feedbacks - good AND bad, no?

it's interesting to see the different types of updates we get from different people from different stratifications - the educated and the uneducated. not pointing fingers, but i saw these terms in my methods of social research textbook. thought i'd use them, hope it's not inappropriate or too harsh or anything like that. maybe i should use mildly-educated instead.

honestly, i have issues. issues with all the ridiculous updates. even my own sometimes. perhaps that's why lamebook.com exists. :p

and i don't know why i've been cynical about many things - things that even I do/support/have. is this a sociology thing? to question and whatnots?

till then.

2010-01-22T17:41:00.000+08:00

nak seluar tu. yang kat kiri tu. terima kasih.

2010-01-21T23:18:00.002+08:00

i learned that we are a whiny community with the advancement of technology and the rise of new media. we whine and complain and voice out opinions like nobody's business virtually. thus, i come to a conclusion that going online makes us depressed. while some may argue that yes, we feel good after a good rant of some sort, i feel, on the hind sight, that we would probably wouldn't even start complaining, whining like bitches and think about so many unnecessary things if we don't even go online in the first place.

how the hell did the old people manage stress in their time? i mean, they obviously didnt have mobile phones in the first place to be stressed about when their bf/gf didnt contact them. or the internet, or computers, to have to wait for the person they like to start a conversation first. or sms-es from their someones to get distracted about while doing more important stuff. i think we're becoming a sadder community?

look at me! i'm overly dependent on technology to "distract" myself from the other 101 stress that i go on facebook 24/7 for Godknowswhat (update status?!! comment on other people's statuses?!) that i end up adding on to my stress because as i'm typing this away, whining my life story away, i'm wasting so much time - the time i could have used to sleep or do my readings.

and as i type this, i just received a text message that my lecture slides for next week's lecture is now ready for download. AHH the sheer advancements of technology just make us LAZY. to begin with, where do people 'download' their lecture notes in those days? hmmmm....

yes, technology is useful, but the setbacks it has on our behaviours.. they scare me. my kids are gonna Google the world while they're in my womb because we breathe technology. it's in our blood.

2010-01-20T10:42:00.002+08:00

stop it seh facebook. as if they know i'm missing him so bad right. pfft.
not helping that the phone got cut off last night. i was about to tell him i lost 2kg and that i'm gonna win the deal! grr.

and i suppose my timetable isn't so bad.
free on odd wednesdays and every friday.
hectic even week and relaxed odd week.
that isn't so bad, right? i hope. :/

i downloaded Glee's album already yesterday morning when i was supposed to be doing my readings :D
looks like i've to postpone my readings again for today. and i've yet to get all the readings for MS2213. leceh lah. why can't ms lecturers be like sc's and provide coursepacks or upload the readings on ivle or something. they think 60 people have time to look for one book together is it? geez weez.

klah i need to bathe, accompany my sister to the salon, take her passport photo, go to popular, go home, go for tuition, go to school for the Idris Tawfiq talk, go home, sleep - no time for readings, no? i should have woken up early this morning, but i slept late last night. such a difficult cycle. not to mention, i have no sunday for the next 3 weeks. sad right? NO SUNDAY YOU KNOW. -wails-

2010-01-19T10:35:00.002+08:00

they say you won't miss it until it's over.
i miss night cycling already, seriously!
such a good bonding activity <3

sighh busy weeks ahead.
nono, STOP SIGHING. i shall embrace every nerve-wrecking moments cos i'm sure i'll get something out of them!

24th jan, 31st jan, 7th feb - MDIS course 9am - 6pm
29th jan - MSS & PBMUKS Forum
Saturday mornings - Mendaki
Tutorials are starting, all on the even week it seems, except for one.
ohh and DSK plannings!

ok this is getting interesting. so many things happening :)
but i don't know how much time i'll have for you. :(
ahh well.

2010-01-14T20:30:00.002+08:00

i am gonna save up for all these:

1) Chanel Chance
2) Renting a car for one week or so
3) Dress for Comms ball if all goes well, insyaallah.
4) Steve Madden's sandals

not too hard, right? i should just follow my mom's advise - don't shop.
not too hard? not too hard?!!!

ahhhh. i WILL save money! so far, i only bought a pair of shoes cos i need it for this saturday and a pair of jeans from uniqlo which i split cost with my sister cos it was being sold at such a good good price! :D

2010-01-14T08:59:00.002+08:00

let's complain!

working out makes me hungry.
working out makes me shit.

ermmm.. ok that's all so far.

MUST LOSE WEIGHT BY 26TH? 27TH? JAN!
i've worked out for 5 out of 6 days already. i just have to be consistent!
night cycling shall burn my body some fats, hopefully? oh but i'm thinking mcchicken. ahhh heavenly mcchickensss they taste so gooood. ARGH STOP IT.

bye.

mohd helmi, i will win the deal! *evil grin*
i hope. :/

2010-01-13T21:17:00.002+08:00

Meet your awesome facis for R-evolution '10!
We're bold, dangerous, nike, don't be serious because i'm chill now and miss smartypants.
See you on 16th Jan! :D

i've been working out almost everyday hoping that i won't die halfway cycling throughout the night! hahaha.

2010-01-11T00:00:00.001+08:00

11th January 2009

4th January 2010 (an advanced 11th January 2010 since Sayang's in Taiwan)

i know our faces stop it seh.

i can't really remember why i named the photo album with the first photo above "my shit (="
syg.. i called you Shit??? omg so romantic. hahaha. and i can still remember how we got so high, so damn hilarious when i think about it now. i think our one year went by quite well - normals ups and downs. i think it went by considerably ok since we're always learning anyway.

Happy One Year Anniversary Sayang! hahah i know, what's one year to others who've been together way longer. hehe.
even though we're far apart, i know our hearts are as close as can be.
Cheers to us! May we be stronger than before!
<3

2010-01-06T22:03:00.001+08:00

you EM1 eh?
a'ah
HAHAHAHAHAAH
why?
entah macam klakar
... *bursts out laughing*

for once in my life, it feels as if i've never been so sure.
i really love this boy.

2010-01-06T10:03:00.005+08:00

farewell again to my boyfriend who is always away! haha. and this time to Taiwan. and thanks for the tweety and the sweetest card ever. even though he's forgetful sometimes, i'm surprised he remembered what i told him a few months back about tweety plush toys. hehe. i hope he has a safe journey back and forth, all i know is that he reached Taiwan already. 3 weeks 3 weeeeeks! it should be fine, i mean, i've been through that before, haven't i?

you will be missed.
xoxo

2009-12-31T11:16:00.013+08:00

Praises be to Allah for the awesome 2009! :)

honestly, WHAT A YEAR!
i've never had so much crazy fun with so many people, going out practically every single day of the year. how was i like again, a few years back? so much has changed, and this year, i feel, was THE year of ultimate changes. well let's see...

FamilyIt's only towards the end of the year that i feel how much more important family is than anything else in the world, and i feel like i've neglected that sense for quite some time since i was busy going out most of the time. Above that, things are pretty much the same among us. My brother's getting more religious and i think that i learn a lot from him, we all are i suppose. and that brings to the next point..

Religion
MAYBE my effort to be better religious wise is there.. but i still have a lot to learn. will work on that, insyaallah.

Friends

they're always there, second to family. i've been around them sooo much that i think i learn to know about them more now :) they're so much joy to be with. from the old friends to new friends. although the kind of fun is slightly different, well, having fun still means having fun! and friends... ahh they make school so sooo much more bearable! what would i do without them? ;) i know i haven't been in touch with some of my friends, but i hope to do that in 2010... keeping in mind i must learn to manage my time well.

Boyfriend

from this
.
.
.
to this!

it's the first time that i ever had a boyfriend in my entire life and i couldn't be happier with the person i'm with up till today :) (not that it's very long but.) even though i'm still new at this thing, i guess we learn and discover new things almost every day. and okay, let's give some credits to myself. i think i'm getting better at handling this. i THINK. and i definitely feel different now as compared to then. and i can cope with his absence most of the time, but i know deep inside, he is there. who would have thought - helmi and madhiah. from nothing to something. insyaallah, we'll brave through against all odds.

School

Alhamdulillah, FINALLY being in uni, it's been a dream since i was introduced to singapore's mad education system and everyone having to be better than everyone else.. well, it's for our own good. and raaar. horrible results = greater determination to work harder. i'm looking forward to prove to myself that i do better! much much better, insyaallah! *grumbles, stupid mcq exam "£!$"%@ D+ grumbles* i will be more disciplined next sem, insyaallah!

Work
cheh, work seh. ok giving tuition has been such an experience. i made new friends too! so, insyaallah i will continue to teach and impart knowledge in the kids and earn some extra cash for myself. i've made a financial planning. i must not shop so much already. my mom banned me from buying more clothes. let's just be thankful with whatever i have already. ahh. this is hard, but i'll try to stick with no shopping. well, not so much anyways. nono, shop only on necessary stuff and to reward myself ONCE IN A WHILE!

So overall, hmm guess i managed to accomplish some things, but failed to do certain things as well... i got my diving license! got into uni.. got a boyfriend. BUT, i can't drive on my own, i did badly for school, neglected family for quite a bit (a weeeeny bit ok!).. i guess it's hard to meet up to a certain expectations. guess i'll just have to try harder the next time. OH i lost up to 9kg since A levels ended last year.. but i gained back another 2 - 4 kg or so.. -.- so i guess now i can only say i lost about 5 kg only for the whole year.

and i realised that i lack of goals which i really want. i mean, i do have them, but the determination to work towards it is just not prominent. like, i'm not hungry for them, you know? cos i keep thinking whatever happens, happens.. and let's just do my best, and get it over and done with. i should stop this irritating attitude and start doing something about this before it's too late. i should really have short term and long term goals. i stopped having them since secondary school when they emphasised so much on these matters. i guess all those can be put to good use now. for some time, i've been living by the day and i failed to realise that each day adds up to weeks, months and finally a whole year.

and all these add up to striking the balance - work, school, play, religion, family, friends, boyfriend and everything else in between. my life revolves pretty much around these things, and i'm happy. still, i know i can be happier than this. again, thank you Allah for the good life you've given me, and everyone around me. we may have our downturns, but i'm sure they're not as bad as we think they are because there is seriously more to life. :)

hmm turning 20 in a few days.. i'll still be the same person, at the same time, i think that maturity level has taken a tiny step up. :D we'll seeee.. hehehe

2009-12-29T13:15:00.000+08:00

i haven't done a proper update in so damn long.

just a few highlights of my holidays!
i might have missed out a few cos the flu's not doing me justice. ok, lame excuse. i remember events from all the photos i have.. so.. here goes!

from cine pastamania to 313 somerset (919 orchard?!) with babygirls

satisfied tummy aaaand extreme shopping! ok not totally extreme, but what's new hey?

BATAM! ladies only!
went to batam with mak, nenek, cik cah, awe and aisyah!
stayed at holiday inn and we ate and shopped like crazy too :D

KL WITH TEKLETS!
nas and i - soooo adorable please. until now, can't deny. hahaha

went to ulu yam on the 2nd day, followed by one utama to do some shopping. OH and carls jr babyyy~ plus... some shopping. yeah some.

ameera clinching the muslimah award at the end of our very own muslim camp! hahah! congrats babe, 2nd time in a row, i'm so proud of you!

Results + Destress
tried to make my wardrobe look cleaner. 100% effort la eh? it looks about the same still.
got my results through sms later on, oh my goodness. sucked so bad. better work extra hard subsequent sems!

since aisyah, farah and khai decided to go to the gym on impromptu basis, farah asked if i wanna join them eat pastamania after that cos i was crying so badly over the phone. sigh seriously, it was a pretty shitty day for me considering that incident i had in the morning (which i'm so glad everything's fine now :) )
TOTALLY destressed from all these craps! hehehe

JB with family minus brother

my mom wanted to visit her old friend over at JB since she migrated there.. a year or two ago. so dad drove up amidst all the stresssss with confusing road signs and whatnots.

the best part of the trip was cik yaty's YUMMMYYY cooking that i had 2 servings (haven't had that in sooo damn long ok?) and her latest addition AIRIS sabiha (ok i forgot her full name). she is soooooooooo adorable! i felt like biting her chubby cheeks! hahaha

persentren (sp?) kilat motivation talk

my brother attended that camp. talked about this in the last 2 entries. :)
~~Christmas dinner~~ Doa selamat at AJ's
The AJs decided to have a doa selamat session since they just moved house.
greaat greaaat fooood. :)

Chinese garden with Sayang!

to make up for the rough week we had, we met up for a date! :D
nothing new, ljs breakfast in a park. perfect. hee

juling _ _ _ _!
lidah stop it please. hahaha

step macam honeymoon kat china ah kirekan.

he found a mini terrapin!

229 reunion
not all of us could make it though. but it was a sweet gathering nonetheless. all of us were pretty much the same still! :D

walked around 313 somerset with faiz and helmi after that.
guess i was pretty sick already, and my feet were about to give way.
sat outside forever21's bench while helmi was shopping at uniqlo. haha.
thanks faiz for bringing your car all the way from alfalah to 313 to fetch me! felt a weeny bit better after resting in the car and eating at al-ameen at woodlands! :D yummmyyy foooood. but the next day KO.

happy fat people!
wahaha

im so sorry nus kampung melayu that i couldn't join you guys to JB. just to take extra precautions, don't wanna menyusahkan just in case my flu acts up.

last night, i slept at 9.30pm! woke up at 6.20am for subuh and slept back all the way till about nearly 10am. BEST! panadol flu <3 style="font-style: italic;">aku ni, makaaaan je keje. so lose-that-2kg plan - FAIL!

Hoo Haa

2009-12-28T14:18:00.004+08:00

panadol flu works wonders. but i feel sleepy now. is it really the panadol, or is it psychological?

anyhows, the singapore idol phenomenon is really getting fun looking at all the various opinions and stuff. and some people acting like they don't care but still update their statuses anyway. if you really don't care, you just don't bother at all. because no matter how hard you wanna try to prove your point that it doesn't really matter who wins, and stuff like that, other people still have issues.

and yeah, some people go overboard saying that singapore idol is like the next anugerah of some sort but logically, are they saying that singapore idol has more malay viewers and and malay supporters? or are the malays just richer to even bother to vote a lot? statistics please?

i am bothered that the winner is yet another male malay... because it's boring. i mean, we need a little spicing up don't you think? then again, good enough that a female non-malay made it to the finals, so yay that!

personally, you can hate me all you want but i really think sezairi isn't who i prefer. fine... original voice, cute-sy and all.. really? i can criticise all i want and he's still the(your) idol right? so yay sezairi and yay you for being happy. from the start i already have something against him, beats me, i can't really tell why either. and also honestly, i do feel him for all those criticisms he faces. it really isn't his fault that he won. OK FINE, he is not that bad that's why he got into the finals in the first place.. alright, i'm not sure where i'm getting at but...

okok, whatever it is, people should just limit the criticms such that they don't turn too drastic until racial harmony is at stake ok? that's my current annoyance. to reiterate why, because the viewers are not solely malays. you chinese majority voted too, didn't you? and if sylvia should really win, how come no one bothered voting more than sezairi's voters? cos after all, singapore idol is a voting competition. vocal talent is only secondary. -.-

actually, if i were to look at another point of view, melayu maju jugak eh? :p it could really be something the malays have something to achieve in. with all those issues going on with the malay backwardness, this could be something, finally.. er...right? (putting voting competition aside, that is)

OKAY, this would be the end of what i have to say about singapore idol. it's been fun seeing all the different viewpoints in facebook statuses. from how shallow some can be to how other people try hard not to be so shallow with their as-a-matter-of-fact statuses to those who really 'can't be bothered' and to those who are genuinely happy about who they think should win and whathaveyous. i come in peace, and i'm not saying i'm not as shallow as you are. we are only humans, after all. peace be upon y'all. :D

2009-12-25T01:36:00.004+08:00

went for some motivation thingy in conjunction of the last night of camp my brother's attending right now. i think it made a huge impact on everyone there. basically, everyone just couldn't help it but cry. cry because we've all sinned big time.

it was about parents, who brought us into this world, and the Ultimate Creator. It was about how we all tend to forget where we come from, and how much we've neglected our duties as a child to our parents and as servants of God.

just one of the things i got off from that - why do women cry for no reasons?
i can't remember whatever he said word for word.. but.. here goes..

women, mothers especially, are made to bear all the emotional pain and challenges. women love more. women bear the pain and sufferings that are inflicted upon them. women feeel more.. mothers carried their children in their womb for nine months without complaining (well sometimes they do because they just had to, but im sure they dont mean it cos the 9 months to them is worthwhile) and they couldn't lie on their tummies carrying their children. women have to bear men's natural temper that cause them to hurt. God gave his love for women for them to spread the love all around.. and the tears that form when "we cry for no reason" is a form of surrender... that's when we let it out from all those mentioned above.. so in a way, we're not really crying for no reasons. men will almost never understand.

and another thing i brought back is to always love our Creator and our parents. Parents are special, we should never hurt them. but we humans are always making mistakes..

for the past few days, i've been thinking about this. why do we still commit the wrongdoings despite knowing that we should avoid them? ultimately the life we have here is temporary and everything we do would be reflected in the life hereafter.

i belong in that category of people who still long for material gains and pleasure. at the same time, i am truly afraid of what comes next during afterlife. God is great. i'm slowly learning... we all are. all the mistakes we make, they're meant to be made as lessons we'd learn eventually right?

Oh God, show us the right path. Amin.

2009-12-23T01:15:00.000+08:00

i hate going to bed with an unresolved matter hanging.
this pms has got to be the worst one so far.
MENstruation. totally.

2009-12-19T23:33:00.000+08:00

what if i'm being put in a situation to choose between Love and Faith?

2009-12-19T19:31:00.001+08:00

i miss my boyfriend. :(

2009-12-18T11:44:00.000+08:00

i feel sad looking at photos when i wasn't that fat.

2009-12-09T15:22:00.005+08:00

just a moment ago, i had so much to say.
but now my mind becomes partially blank all of a sudden.

hmmm...
it feels good to stay at home doing my own things since yesterday. :) it's such a great relief from all the hectic days of exams. yesterday, i did nothing but read the storybook i borrowed on monday, watched Up on my new netbook (yesss i got one finally :D asus eee pc!), facebooked.. eat... eat.. OH and worked out!!! finally.

apparently i'm fat, i guess. or maybe just boncet, and have flabby arms, and chubby cheeks and double chin... so that means fat right? and so i need to work out and lose those bits, God knows how. GOSH i'm so pressurised okay! when am i gonna learn to love my body?! YOU tell me? pfft. i worked out TWICE yesterday. damn i felt good but sucks huh that the effect isn't immediate and is has to be continuous and i have a disease called laziness.

monday monday monday. i woke up so early because someone made me jog with him, and in the end the stadium was closed. ended up eating macdonalds with his dearest sister and had some silent reading time with them. i swear, in my whole life, i have never done that in the library before. silent reading. okay fine, the last time was probably during primary school la. walked around causeway point after that and i was daaamnnnn sleepy, so i went home first to sleep before leaving for dinner at sakura international buffet with helmi, farah, aisyah, faiz and fahizul. :) :) :) fatness enhanced, woo!

hmm the weekends went really well too. argh ive so much to say! let's start with friday!

went to marina barrage with the nus people to celebrate luqman's and shikeen's birthday :D food was great, everyone was high, it rained but it didn't matter cos we had fun anyways. went to lau pa sat with farah, tasha, aisyah, shikeen, farid, fahizul and hafiz after that for supper. thanks aisyah for satay!! :D my tummy wasn't behaving so i had to leave early, went home with shikeen.

saturday, went to marina barrage again with MASH, fadly, syahril, azahar and fahizul to celebrate azahar's birthday. i think the surprise went really well :) cheesecake was awesome, food was superawesome but i had to leave early cos my baby was back! hehehe. met him at novena square cos i needed to buy tickets, and boy has he shrunk. (hence the need for me to shed these pounds, got it? -.-) went to far east after that for prayers and also dinner at cahaya where we met farah and aisyah! so we ate dinner together. hehe. walked around 313 somerset but crowd was giving me headache, and i didn't have the mood, so we left after syg bought a couple of stuff from uniqlo for awesome prices. :)

sunday! ermmm...... oh right. went to beach road with syg so he can get his jcc badge sewed on! hehe. met haziq and aqidah and went to have lunch at banquet, desserts at coffee bean where ruzaini joined us later. sorry for the "oi! happy birthday!" when i gave the cake :p cos member bile bebual tak ingat dunia. anyhows, watched Ninja Assassin after that at Iluma, oh boy was it gory. after that.. OHH, had dinner with syg's family. :) :)

i think today's post's a mess. well apparently i'm the anything-goes girl and someone else is always the prim and proper one.

i'm sorry i might have sounded a little sarcastic. just needed to let it out. and i hope you're over the "brunei blues" cos i really miss you so.

2009-12-01T20:17:00.002+08:00

do you know how sucky it is to hear the phone ring but actually it was just someone playing a prank?
do you know how sucky it is to see you online but it's actually not you?
do you know how sucky it is to ruin a surprise?
do you know how sucky it is to have exams and not being prepared for it?
do you know how sucky it is to not not know when's the next time i can see you again?
do you know how sucky it is to feel like shit?
do you know how sucky it is to suppress this inner emotions and try to be happy all the time?
do you know how sucky it is to feel fat?
do you know how sucky it is to wait even though we should all be patient?
do you know how sucky it is to look at other people being happy and having fun but you just can't, not yet at least?
do you know how sucky it is having this angst inside me boiling?

ok i run out of sucky things to say.
but phew sure feels good.
if anyone of you is feeling the same way i do, we're on the same boat.
i'm sure there are more sucky things out there, but how can we ever run away from being less thankful than we all should?
we are only human after all.

i can't contain the excitement of post exam activities!

4/12 - picnic with nus friends.
5/12 - night cycling i think? and another outing.
6/12 - SOMEONE'S COMING HOME, hopefully. (yeah sucky that it's always not confirmed)
7/12 - if that someone's out perhaps i can meet him, but i shouldn't hope, really.
11-13/12 - batam
15-17/12 - KL
2/1 - my birthday (haha i know, tak perlu)
5/1 - someone's going taiwan.

that's the story so far.
hmmm the holiday seems short. :/
fine fine at least there're holidays, why am i so unappreciative?

2009-12-01T13:25:00.000+08:00

!@"£%^%^~#
i dont even know where to freakin start for ms1102e!
my notes are in a mess and how come the readings dont tally with the lecture notes?!!!!!!!
I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU MS1102E, VERY VERY ANGRY!

2009-11-29T13:28:00.002+08:00

arghh nafsu shopping.
i'm chatting with ruzaini now and i realised i need soooooooo many things.
i need oxford heels, skinny jeans, blazer, studded pumps and sandals.. just to name a few.

my birthday is on the 2nd of january.

love youuuuu people, whoever's reading.
bye.
hahaha

2009-11-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

happy birthday!

xoxo

1 more week!

2009-11-28T12:31:00.003+08:00

All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why’d you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I’m officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today
I’m officially missing you

(Ohhhh) can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby said
it stays on my mind
And I, and I, I’m officially

All I do is lay around
Two ears full tears
From looking at your face on the wall ( face on the wall)
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all
i don’t know you at all
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess its safe to say babe safe to say
that I'm, I'm officially missing you

(Ohhhh) can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby said
it stays on my mind
And I, and I, I’m officially

Well I thought I could just get over you baby
But I see that’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way
To let go of you

Its official
You know that I’m missing you
oohhh Yeah yes
All I hear is raindrops
ooohhh yeah
And I’m officially missing you

i've never felt this strong before. thank you God for the strength.
now, i just need to press on some more for the next 8 days. okay, 5 days till the misery of exams is over. somehow, i like the idea of having 2 papers in one day. makes life pretty easy cos i don't have to travel back and forth so much. but, the mad rush of having to finish studying is there.

south asian studies and malay studies, do me some justice can? can i smoke through you two? grrr.

tomorrow's the dear boy's birthday. can't wait till he comes back then i can give him his present which i've been keeping for soooo damn long. so poor thing. birthday in the jungle. ):